Thursday, July 13, 2006

it shouldn't be so hard

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It has become next to impossible for me to discuss my migraines with my parents and not get into a fight with them. I feel judged and criticized by their comments and questions. I don't know if it is them or me or a combination of both.

My dad seems to think I need a different primary care physician. It seems that accompanying me to one neurologist appointment gave him all the information he needs to know to make sure they fix me. If only it was that simple.

I love my primary care doctor. I've been seeing Dr. M for almost eight years. She has been the only constant in my health care experience while I've shuffled through four neurologists and countless other health care providers, both traditional and alternative. She treats me with respect. She's open to anything I suggest, no matter how out there, and she's honest with me if she doesn't think something I bring up is worth trying. She wants me to improve and get my life back on track.

Maybe this isn't fair, but their criticism of my choice of doctor or treatment sounds like they're saying if only I'd make better choices, my health would improve. I feel so horribly judged.

Ultimately, I think the big problem is that my parents want someone to fix me. I don't think they hear me when I say there is no cure for migraines and no easy explanation for the cause, despite the fact that my dad is/was a migraineur. Until recently, I think they believed it when people (including doctors) said I'd probably grow out of them. When your six year old gets head-splitting migraines, you probaby have to make yourself believe that. But I haven't put any stock in that myth for quite some time. I'm more resigned to living this way than they are to watching me do it.

My hubby, C, thinks I'm being too hard on them. When we were last discussing this, he said that I need to understand they still think of me as the newborn I was 28 years ago. He said they just want to protect me. I know it's hard for them to see me as an adult and even harder to see me suffering. I just wish they could respect my choices about which doctors to see and how to approach the management of my disease.

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