Monday, October 30, 2006

another rough week

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This past week I experienced another horrible stretch of migraines. I am feeling a bit better, for now, but I am confused, disappointed, and mad at myself.

The confusion relates to taking the preventative Lamictal. I know it has been helping my depression and insomnia. I was starting to think that it might have been helping with migraine prevention, too. What does this past week mean, then? That kind of severe migraine that lasts for more than one day and does not respond to my treatment medications makes it difficult to take my daily medications. I know that does not help. But does this kind of bad stretch that lasts for five or six days really tell me anything about the preventatives? I just do not know.

Thomas Hardy said, “The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.” I know I sometimes have horribly unrealistic expectations for my medications and feel tragically let down when they are not met. I have only been on Lamictal for about a month. It is too soon to know whether it is going to work. Of course I need to try to remain hopeful that something will eventually help me. But expecting too much, too soon, is not any help at all. Further, it is just not good to hold the mistaken belief that my treatment medications will work on every single attack. It should not be such a shock or cause for panic when I do not experience relief. Anyone who has this many attacks has an entire arsenal of options to turn to in that situation. I would be much better off to focus my energy there.

Finally, I am incredibly mad at myself for not being at work enough. I know in my head that I cannot always control how I feel. I try my best to keep the factors that are under my power in check. Beyond that, I am not sure what I can do. Still, the truth remains that we need steady income at a higher level, and we are not getting that with my current schedule. I am working at improving this every hour of every day. I know I can do better, and I want to prove that to myself.

Like everyone else, I know I am a work in progress. Sometimes I am tempted to just give up on myself, but I guess I am not entirely ready to do that yet because I keep trudging along. Maybe someday soon I will find that I am walking or even skipping along. Anything is possible.

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