Saturday, October 14, 2006

feeling down

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This has been a hard week. I have not been doing well with the migraines or depression.

I am so down on myself about not making it to work this week. I live in constant fear of losing my job, and I spend most of my time feeling guilty about not bringing in enough money for the household.

I feel like I am at a crossroads, but I have no idea what to do from here. The best thing would probably be if I didn't have to work, but that just is not an option. I feel like I must get myself better and get back to work full time. Once upon a time I loved doing that work, and I think I could love it again if I could be there regularly enough to take on the responsibility I was starting to get when my migraines got so much worse.

I feel a bit like I'm at the bottom of a dark hole. I really want to climb out, but I don't even know how to start. I hate having to rely on other people. I have always tried to take care of myself. I don't know how to let go of that or how we are going to get by if I don't start getting better.

The isolation is really getting to me, too. I try to make plans with friends at least a couple of times a month and that helps. I joined a great monthly book club a while back, and adopting Felix was also a good thing. But my husband's busy work schedule and my less-than-wonderful health still leave me at home alone quite a lot.

There have been brief periods of time that I haven't blamed myself for my illness. Most of the time I strongly feel that this something I am doing to myself and that any bad things that flow from it are also my fault. It makes very little sense, but I suppose most of the crazy ways we beat ourselves up make very little sense.

Quality time with C always seems to help, so I'm planning on a lot of that this weekend. We both love to cuddle up and watch as many football games as we can. There is no better way to spend the weekend, as far as I am concerned. We also have brunch plans with one of my best girlfriends and her husband. They recently moved away, so any time we get together is special.

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