Friday, November 17, 2006

deep, dark depression hole

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In the past week, I have sunk down into a deep, dark depression hole. I am feeling incredibly ashamed about the way I have been handling myself, but I think it might help to write about it, acknowledge it, and remind myself that I am doing the best I can.

In some ways it happens so fast. One minute I am enjoying having some time to myself and filling it up with movies, books, writing, and restful sleep. Next thing I know, I'm going days without showering or brushing my teeth, sleeping sixteen hours a day, and eating one meal every couple of days.

I almost cannot believe I am publicly admitting all this because I feel extremely ashamed. People do not admit to that kind of behavior. I have probably even looked down my nose at other people who have acted the very same way. I feel like I should be able to force myself out of bed and into the shower, but I honestly do not know that I have it in me to control this right now, which scares the hell out of me.

I probably need to see my therapist, but I can't afford it. Actually, I do have my employee health insurance, which I used when I last saw her, until the end of November, so I should call and try to get in next week. Come to think of it, I would imagine that losing your job would be a good reason to contact the employee asssitance program and get some free sessions with her. If I could open the curtain on my shame to peek out for a minute, I would probably think of these things. I don't know what my mental health coverage (god I hate using that phrase) is on my husband's insurance, but I am covered under that policy, too.

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