Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Lost: Chronic Pain Erased My Plans

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Selena at Oh My Aches & Pains is hosting the Patients for a Moment Blog Carnival and asks:

Ah, February! Valentine's Day will soon be here and love is in the air. Or is it, if you are a patient for a moment? Is love still in your vocabulary or has it been replaced by other four letter words?

While love is absolutely still in my vocabulary, the four letter word that most seems to define my life now is lost. At present I'm unable to work or start a family, two things I always assumed would be huge parts of my life at 32. Wanting both and not knowing when, if ever, I'll have them has left me feeling directionless and purposeless.

Each day I come a tiny bit closer to accepting that I may never be able to practice law again. But what will my days look like for the next 50 years if that is the case? How will I challenge my mind? Where will I get the thrill and sense of accomplishment I once achieved through my work? How will I make a meaningful contribution to the world and make good use of all the knowledge I've been entrusted with?

I have been able to occasionally provide legal advice on an informal basis, and I do get a great deal of satisfaction from my work here on Somebody Heal Me. But it's not the same. I don't feel vital or important. I miss feeling like I make a contribution to worthwhile endeavors. I know it's possible to draw a new map for yourself when you've been thrown off course because other people do it all the time. I just don't have any idea what *my* map should look like. If I can't have what I want I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied with the meager alternatives.

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DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.