Monday, March 29, 2010

Am I Risking It All? Facing My Depressed Reality

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Every single day I don't do the things that help me cope and manage my pain and depression and every single day I risk losing the things I still have in my life. The most important things. The things I can't ever bear to lose. You couldn't tell it by the way I'm letting myself live.

It's not so much about not being able to keep the house clean or get dinner on the table or put out the trash. We're talking down & dirty stuff now, people. We're talking about not showering, not brushing my teeth and certainly not leaving the house. When I don't face that stuff I can't face anything else. And everything comes to a screeching halt in my life and in this household.

Because he's quitting his second job my husband's going to be home more now. This is a really good thing. But it means I'm going to have to get real about what's going on with my depression and my day-to-day struggles because I won't be able to hide it so well anymore. If I don't I'm afraid I could ruin my relationship.

I honestly don't think he knows just how bad things have been with me because he's so busy and has so little time with me to observe how I'm spending my time. I know guys can be less than observant and I know he tends to be that way, but I think some of these very basic issues will stand out even to him. How long would he be willing to live with a spouse who doesn't always take care of basic hygiene and spends a large part of every day in bed? How is it fair to ask that of him or of anyone, for that matter? Even though I don't feel motivated to try for myself, I will try for him because I love him.

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DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.