Monday, November 22, 2010

This Isn't What I Had in Mind

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I'm sure a lot of you can relate to wanting to feel different. On one level there is a certain desire to fit in and feel accepted. But when you realize you just don't fit in and start to become okay with it, you want to feel as different as possible. I never knew how to do it right. I come from a very small hometown, so the standards for seeming different were very low. To anyone else in the world at the time I was younger I would have seemed like a perfectly normal girl. Into bands and grunge and flannel and Doc Martens and super fake looking dyed red hair. Not even remotely different, am I right?

As I've grown older I've lost some of that desire to be different, but not all of it. And I certainly didn't want my body's inability to respond to even one single solitary preventive treatment for chronic migraine to be the thing that finally makes me a true freak.

Every time I read a study about something I have tried that didn't help I expect to read that researchers discovered it isn't actually better than placebo (meaning it's basically no more effective than doing nothing). But a lot of times there are good outcomes that indicate the treatment actually helps people like me. Just not me.

Then I start to wonder. Why not me? Did I do something to make my body not want to get better using that treatment? But that's not possible, is it? It's probably not, but if it is then I'm probably doing it. And the thoughts go on like this until I tell them to shut up, knowing I'm just being mean to myself.

Of course, sometimes the treatment in question was only tested on one person. One person? What good is that? It may suggest there is something useful there, but doesn't really tell us much. Even better, sometimes the research hasn't been done on humans at all, but instead on lab mice. Cause that tells me so much about why something would or would not work for me.

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DISCLAIMER: Nothing on this site constitutes medical or legal advice. I am a patient who is engaged and educated and enjoys sharing my experiences and news about migraines, pain and depression. Please consult your own health care providers for advice on your unique situation.