Saturday, December 01, 2012

Tenth Anniversary is a Double-Edged Sword

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My husband and I celebrated 10 years of marriage yesterday. Actually, we're celebrating all weekend. And while I'm incredibly proud of reaching this milestone and the quality of our marriage, it's been a double-edged sword. Like so many other things in my life, it has brought me back to feeling awful that we haven't been able to start our family. It feels like a huge failure.

I could never have imagined 10 years ago at this time that we would reach this milestone and not have at least one child. But I guess no one ever really thinks she'll have trouble getting pregnant until faced with that reality.

I wasn't really thinking about it much until I sat down to catch up on episodes of Giuliana and Bill on the DVR from when I was gone. The episode was about their son being born by surrogacy, and I watched the entire hour through tears. Not because I'm not happy for them, because of course I'm happy for anyone who fulfills the dream of starting a family, especially people like them, who have struggled with infertility just like us. It just hit way too close to home.

And really, I've got to be honest that I *am* jealous of people like them, who have the financial resources to pay for a surrogate to carry a baby for them. I know their road has been anything but easy. But the option that brought a baby into their lives is NOT an option for us. As with almost everything in life, money, or lack thereof, can be incredibly limiting. Why can't we just make a baby the old fashioned way like millions of other people on earth?!

I hope it will happen for us, too, but it's hard not to feel despair with each month that passes. In so many ways, I feel blessed beyond measure, but not being able to get pregnant seems to overshadow all those blessings too easily.

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